today, I was totally engulfed by loneliness..
I'm still harping over the fact that i'm not so healthy and fit anymore. I'm still harping that i cant ton as much as my peers do for their projects anymore . and i'm still sad that i'm less effective as before, with hours spent on antagonising the pain.

Perhaps I keep telling and explaining to people what's wrong with me and not one had really asked me if i was okay..

and so, all my frustrations all came out in tears when my lecturer asked me if i was alright as i couldnt paint well and after seeing my mc. damn. I should really say that my vision was not getting well and perhaps he will give me some pity marks ? argh, sadly, I didnt thought of that and just blamed it that i didnt had a proper brush.

should really bluff it out eh? haha, i think i wont be able to carry my head high if i ever said that.

but thankfully, my friends are quite understanding whenever i had an attack . :) at least, they wouldnt say that i'm faking it (not at least in a zone that i could hear them talking).

i really felt worse. but i am still waiting. waiting for someone to beat the hell out of me and get me out of self pity.

i told one friend of mine to keep going ...

what doesn't kills you will make you stronger...

perhaps i grew too cynical... what doesn't kills me... only made me want to kill myself instead...

i'll give myself two months. i'll learn to bear with it... because everytime it comes... it just make me feel so helpless and ineffective.

in the end.. I gave in and cried.

wanted to cry in front of someone.. but I dont know who to find for.. because it is funny to call someone and cry.

: i hate doctors.

because it's termed as 'stress' , they just thought oh well, it's stress. nothing to do about it. but why do i get that dang when i'm not bloody well doing anything stressful? because you know why? you're the doctor, you said so.

didnt really want to depend on pain killers for life. they said it's tension. I asked how i could get this pain away?

'it will go off when it wants to.'

bloody hell. I know it will go off when it wants to. if thats the case, why am I wasting my money on you? trust you to be a specialist to say that. I felt like hell the moment when you said so. eyes were blurring, but didnt wanted to cry in front of my mom. or maybe i should cry then she would stop telling to my relatives and everyone WOULD stop assuming that this pain is an imaginary one. better hope it's an imaginary one. then i'll chase it away with no one's help. if i could, if i wish.

and i'm the only one who knows what its going on.
when it hurts, i really hate to talk.